Often, when we're afraid about the future or experiencing anxiety about where our life is going, I don't think it’s because of a fear of the future, I think it’s actually because of fear of the past.
Whether it’s frustration over things that haven't happened, or fear or anger about things that did happen or could happen, trying to control our fear about the future ends up being this paralyzing, constrictive process because it’s limited to correcting that past experience, rather than being open to new possibilities & uncertainties & maybes that we can't even conceive of.
It can seem like it’s all about trying to avoid what-ifs & anxieties about the future, but those anxieties we try to control generally come from some kind of past experience, & can even be triggered just by hearing about something bad that happened to somebody else, like a terrible traffic accident, or plane crash, or home burglary, etc. So even if we're obsessing about how we don't want to have something bad happen in the future, the judgement about whether that event is bad or not comes from the past.
Being healthy when it comes to anxiety about the future & being open to the future is all about embracing the potential & possibility & unknowns in the future, & separating those from the past. Trying to control the future inevitably creates more of the past.
Being open to possibilities & being ready to act according to your values whatever may come, will, surprisingly, make the future more closely align with what you want it to look like. & I think that’s because we can't control the future, but we can control how we act in it.
“Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh I’m falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see the girl I am…. isn’t me.”
These words are coming to mind more & more as time passes. A lot has changed in the last year or so, but some things haven't changed & it's gotten to the point of I'm smiling, my heart hurts (deeply) & I am falling apart.
I've been so busy making everyone else happy that I have somehow lost myself during it all. I stopped working on me, the me I want to be, & I've been working on the "me" that makes everyone else happy. Nightly I have a cry till I fall asleep, or I just lay there & watch her sleep. Days after those kinda nights kill me because I have little to no energy, & I just ain't happy.
This life I'm living, is no longer mine. It's not the life I chose or want for that matter, but I just sit here & smile. No one notices that I'm miserable, my smile hides it well...
How do you tell the people you hold close to your heart & love dearly that they are making your life one you are no longer happy with? How do you tell them they need to let go & let you go your own way & start fresh? How do you tell them you love them more then anything, but there needs to be change before you walk out the door & don't return?
I have yet to figure out how to say anything, so here I am sitting here with my music blasted in my ears, my heart aching, & tears forming in my eyes...When I do figure the words out, maybe I'll get somewhere, but I don't want to hurt anyones feelings. I'm gonna take things one day at a time & pray things work themselves out sooner then later because as it stands I'm ready for the change I need, but no one else currently is.
(**On a side note, this is my personal feelings about a situation that is currently happening in my life, it's nothing to do with death or anything of the sorts**)
